In the days around a funeral, grieving families often become event planners, hosts, and the emotional anchor for everyone else, all while carrying their own loss. It's easy to get through the week on adrenaline and forget to take care of yourself.
This chapter is about getting through the funeral days with as much grace and as little strain as possible, and about helping the people around you, especially children, do the same.
You Don'T Have To Do It All
The single most helpful thing you can do is delegate. People genuinely want to help; they just don't know how. Give them specific jobs.
Consider choosing a "point person," a trusted friend or relative who isn't in the immediate family, to coordinate helpers, answer questions, and handle details so you can be present.
Jobs to hand off:
Answering the phone and door
Coordinating meals for the family
Picking up out-of-town relatives and arranging places to stay
Gathering photos and building the slideshow
Printing programs
Setting up the memory table
Collecting cards, flowers, and gifts, and recording who sent what
Watching young children during the service
Staying at the home during the service
Coordinating the luncheon or reception
A shared list, group text, or simple online sign-up sheet can keep everyone organized.
Taking Care Of Your Body
Grief is physically exhausting. During the funeral days:
Try to sleep, even if only in short stretches.
Eat something, even when you're not hungry. Keep easy snacks and water nearby.
Step outside for fresh air or a short walk.
Limit caffeine and alcohol, which can make sleep and emotions harder to manage.
Keep taking any regular medications on schedule. Ask someone to remind you if needed.
Taking Care Of Your Heart
Let yourself feel what you feel. Tears, numbness, laughter, and even relief are all normal.
You don't have to be strong for everyone. It's okay to let others see you grieve.
Take short breaks. Step into a quiet room during the visitation if you need a moment.
Say no to things that drain you. You don't have to see every visitor or answer every call.
Lean on your faith, traditions, or community if they bring comfort.
Getting Through The Visitation And Service
Visitations can mean hours of standing, hugging, and hearing condolences.
Wear comfortable shoes.
Have water and tissues nearby.
Take seated breaks; no one will mind.
Prepare a few simple responses: "Thank you for coming." "She would be so glad you're here."
Have someone stand near you who can gently move long conversations along.
During the service, let others handle the logistics. Your only job is to be there.
When Family Tension Surfaces
Funerals can bring old conflicts to the surface. Stress, grief, and differing opinions about what a loved one would have wanted can collide.
Return to your loved one's written wishes whenever possible.
Know who has the legal right to make final decisions. In Utah, the right to control a person's funeral and final disposition follows an order set by state law (Utah Code 58-9-602). Generally, that is a person the deceased named in writing for that purpose, then the surviving spouse, then a personal representative named in the will, then adult children, parents, and siblings. This may not be the same person who settles the estate. Your funeral director can explain how it applies to your family.
Postpone discussions about inheritance and belongings until after the funeral.
Give people grace. Grief can make people say things they don't mean.
If needed, ask a neutral person, such as a faith leader or the funeral director, to help keep things calm.
Helping Children Through The Funeral
Children grieve, too, though it may look different from adult grief. They may play one minute and cry the next.
Before the funeral:
Use clear, simple words: "Grandpa died. His body stopped working, and he won't be coming back." Avoid phrases like "went to sleep," which can confuse or frighten children.
Explain what they'll see: the room, the casket, people crying.
Let them choose whether to attend the viewing and the service. During the funeral:
Assign a trusted adult to stay with each young child.
Give them a role if they want one: placing a flower, sharing a drawing, or handing out programs.
Let them take breaks and step outside.
After the funeral:
Answer questions honestly, even if they ask the same thing many times.
Keep routines as normal as possible.
Watch for changes in sleep, behavior, or schoolwork, and let teachers know what happened.
Helping Older Relatives
A surviving spouse or elderly relative may need extra support:
Make sure someone stays with them, especially the first nights.
Help with transportation, seating, and accessibility at the service.
Watch that they are eating, resting, and taking medications.
Include them in decisions, but don't overload them.
Receiving Support Gracefully
People will bring food, send flowers, and offer help. It's okay to:
Say yes. Accepting help is a gift to those who offer it.
Freeze extra meals for the weeks ahead, when support often fades.
Wait to send thank-you notes. There's no deadline, and many families send them weeks later. Ask a friend to keep a list of who sent what.
After Everyone Goes Home
When the service ends and visitors leave, the house can feel painfully quiet. Plan for this moment:
Ask a friend or relative to check in during the following week.
Schedule something gentle for the days after: a walk, a meal with a friend.
Know that grief often deepens after the funeral, once the busyness ends. That's normal.
Chapter 12 covers grief and healing in more depth, including support resources in Utah.
You Matter, Too
In caring for everyone else, don't forget that you have lost someone, too. Treat yourself with the same compassion you'd show a dear friend. Getting through these days, however imperfectly, is enough.